I will say that in the character of Mogami I see an excellent opportunity for commentary on the stereotypical 'Chad' lifestyle. This isn't really a criticism or suggestion since focusing on side characters is the author's prerogative, but development for side characters is something I personally look for in stories. Your side characters haven't had enough time to cement themselves yet, so I don't have much to say here, just be sure to give them meaningful time in the spotlight. Unless you're going for a Bad End, Nishikata should be able to stand on his own at the story's end with fulfilling goals and hobbies - a stark contrast to what he used to be. In order for this to work, Asagiri (or a side girl, if you plan to subvert the genre cough cough Noriko) would need to complement him, not complete him, if that makes any sense. It'd also help if he becomes more resilient to Asagiri's teasing and stops stumbling over his words, not dissimilarly to the progression of Naoto Hachiouji of Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san.Īdditionally, developing other facets of his character in conjunction with his romantic life will help distinguish your story from similar ones where the end goal is always to "get the girl". Over time, it'd be nice to see him learn how to enjoy life as he amasses experience. Nishikata is obviously trying to escape a bad mental state he had prior to the start of the story, as evidenced by his previous involvement in a death cult and the pills he keeps around in case he wants to OD. Perhaps as the story progresses, she could mature and slowly taper off this manner of speech as she realizes adults don't speak that way.Īs far as Nishikata goes, the shut-in/otaku/NEET archetype is beyond a dead horse, and while I don't think that makes it bad necessarily, I do hope you don't fall prey to the 'Kazuya Syndrome' of never affording his character personal growth. Silver lining though - relegating 'Zoomer Speak' to one character (Asagiri) was a good call, as it helps characterize her mental age. I get the feeling your target demographic is younger, but beware indulging this much in contemporary lexicon it will be detrimental to your story's shelf life as years pass and this manner of speech inevitably dies out. I'm not that old myself, but this much saturation makes me feel gross inside. One particular aspect of this story is marring my experience the 'Zoomer Speak' (e.g., 'chad', 'incel', 'deez nuts', etc.) is excessive. I'm not suggesting you rewrite your earlier chapters since they're already out there, but it's something to keep in mind nonetheless. This will naturally become less of an issue as the story progresses and we get more development on their relationship. Most people don't banter with strangers, at least not until getting to know them first. At the onset of the story, not even a day for them (or a chapter for us) has passed since the two met, yet already they're taking sexual jabs at each other. The chemistry between Nishikata and Asagiri feels forced, moreso in earlier chapters. so I'm curious to see if that subplot goes anywhere. "Abnormalities always made me suspect there were underlying motives besides fixing declining birth rates." Granted, Chapter 5 seemed to hint at an underlying objective for which fixing birth rates is merely a cover: Interesting concept, though with how restrictive rental girlfriends Government-issued Girlfriends are, I don't see how this would alleviate falling birth rates. Do not belittle him when it's apparent you're only capable of understanding things on the surface level. And very cool epic own you got at the end of your - Stop white knighting for everyone that gets their story criticized, it's annoying and you're proving nothing to the don't know what you gain from trying to provoke people, but that speaks volumes more for you than me.Īlso, Tomo has contributed far more for this community and our discussions than you can imagine. Hence it read like me scrolling through my twitter feed with people just saying thing without substance. Meaningless dialogue and dialogue and dialogue and empty witty banter between two characters that aren't even established in the story. Who's the target audience if not a regular person that stumbles across your story? Is it an otaku audience that will read anything anime related? Your signature highlights the feet and thighs of the girl on your cover and the plot is literally men getting free girlfriends so there's definitely sexual related as well as the "banter" between the main and secondary character talking about sexual topics as well in the most bland uninteresting manner. Tridetect - This reply sounds like the biggest cope I've ever seen.
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